*bold statements from a vetted Disney Patron


Disneyland Reveals A Child’s Inner Demon



Screaming for dear life as her grandfather attempts to lower her to the ground, the child whacks his hat across the walkway and flails her arms every which way. Clueless of the spectacle on display, this little girl of no more than four years of age continues to fight off her grandfather as if he were her attacker. As we pass by the scene we can hear the grandfather calmly explaining, “I will show you where the princess is if you just calm down and listen.” Clearly he is a caring, but helpless grandparent caught in the crossfire between his grandkid and Disney’s ruthless subliminal marketing strategies (damn you’re good Disney).

This was only the beginning of inner demons revealing their true selves on a Thursday afternoon at Disneyland Resort in Anaheim, California. You can only imagine the horror manifesting in the gift shop of the Star Wars exhibits. Boys and girls of all ages are practicing pure shamelessness whenever near a gift shop or being forced to eat. How could anyone possibly want to eat or use the restroom while surrounded by overwhelming amounts of brain stimulating Disney sites and experiences? The horror! The horror!

Disneyland: Check Your Common Sense at the Gate

disney shirts

To the Disneyland families wearing matching shirts. Yes, you know the ones; you’ve seen them. Not only does every family member match, but also each shirt clearly displays which role each person fills on the family tree. If we are lucky, they even have first names printed on the front of each shirt. If this wasn’t good enough, some go the extra mile to display the family’s last name as clear as day. Unfortunately, now every predator has been provided useful beginners information on how to attack or prey on each family.

I know, I know, this is a terrible thought to manifest, however, quite logical when looking through a law and order lens. The beginning research has been provided and half the homework is already done. All a predator has to do now is hope for student of the month stickers on the back of that minivan or SUV. After a little surveillance of their own they have all they need to plan some kind of criminal action. So families do yours a favor and don’t display such personal information in public. Let America’s finest focus on the terrible cases they’re currently drowning in, and don’t add to the pile of criminal activity because you ignorantly displayed your family’s identity to the world.


Vetted Disney Patron


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